Sat, May

Mad Mike Could Fall Off the Edge … of the Earth

1) Here is the latest from Obama. Through his Non Profit Obama Foundation he wants to create a million young Baracks. While some would applaud a million young Baracks, there are others, who think one Barack was enough. These young Baracks would "Take the baton in that relay race that is human progress." WOW. Just imagine how excited you'll be when a young Barack, wielding the baton of human progress, shows up in your neighborhood.

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The Dud in DC


1) This has been fun. Joe Biden saying if he were still in high school he would take Donald Trump out behind the gym and beat him senseless. Donald Trump says he would give Biden a severe and well deserved thrashing.  Of course there will never be an actual match. If there were it could rival the 1975 Thrilla in Manilla between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier. Ali won in a TKO in the 14th round. The Biden and Trump match could be called the Dud in D.C.  

2) The Post Office has issued a Mr. Rogers Stamp. Remember him changing into his cardigan on the show? The Cardigan Sweater Manufacturers of America awarded him their Person Of The Year Award three times. I always "wondered" about that Mr. McFeely. Turns out he was named after Mr. Rogers' grandpa, Fred McFeely.  

3) Google has kicked off a new 300 million dollar initiative to fight what it regards as Fake News. Hey Google ... Lookin' for Fake News? Hello!!! Here you go!!!  I'm right here!!!  Boy, I could sure use a few bucks.

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Throwing Hillary Out with the Bath Water

1) After learning about Hillary Clinton breaking her wrist, somehow in a bathtub, Eddie Falcone who owns "Big Eddie's Walk-In Tubs" became concerned about Hillary's safety. So he donated one of his tubs to her.  It was the super deluxe model which included a  heated seat. Eddie says Hillary hasn't acknowledge his gift yet. He thinks she might be really busy writing another speech that the Republicans will like and the Democrats, including her pals on The View won't. Well four of them won't like it but that what's her name Republican will.

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Barbra Streisand: A Nose for Success

1) In Siberia it was raining diamonds and gold instead of snow. A NIMBIS, love that name, Airlines Cargo Plane's cargo door flew open on takeoff. The open door allowed 3.4 tons of gold and some diamonds to rain down on the runway and as far away as 16 miles.

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He’s the World’s Tallest Teen, but Can He Shoot

1) A sixteen year old English boy, Brandon Marshall, is the tallest teen in the world. He stands at 7ft 4in and is still growing. If he gets much taller, the NBA will be recruiting him. His team mates can just throw him the ball, while he stands by the basket, and drops it in. Of course it won't be long before the NBA issues "The Brandon Marshall Rule." You Can't Just Stand there and drop the ball in the basket. You have to shoot it.

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A Body In the Donation Box?

1) In Queens NY, a man's body was found in a donation box. The box was to be used for clothes donations. It was assumed that the clothes would be removed prior to being donated. 

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Burger Flipping Robot has Trouble with Girls … Er, Grills

# 1. Meet Flippy the Buger Flipping Robot. Flippy is now flipping burgers at Caliburger in Pasadena. Flippy, using cameras, thermal imagining and 3 D sensing, flips and removes the patties at the right moment. However, with all those skills Flippy still comes up a little short. It seems Flippy can't do the most crucial task, putting the patties on the grill. That requires a human co-worker. Flippy costs about $60,000 but without a minimum wage helper, Flippy Flops.

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Turning the Harley Into a Wussycycle

#1. Hunter College in New York is suing Lisa S. Palmer for basically being a "Squatter." She enrolled in 2016 but dropped out shortly after moving into a dorm. She has stayed in the dorm ever since refusing to move out. The college has served eviction notices and might even asked politely to move out but to no avail. Lisa says she will fight the lawsuit. She may be claiming a constitutional right to "squat." It appears that no one at this citadel of higher learning thought to throw her stuff out and change the locks. 

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Don’t Go Bananas, Eat Bananas!


#1.  A new study suggests that a diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and even nuts could help ward off depression. So could a big lottery win, but I digress. There should be a big advertising campaign to spread the word. Some good slogans might include: "An apple a day keeps depression away." How about "Don't go bananas eat bananas." "Blueberries Stop the Blues." For veggies here's one "Carrots improve your mood and your eyesight, too." "If you're nuts they can help."  Unlike antidepressant meds the only side effects might be some indigestion or gas.

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Apple Makes Easter Disappear

#1. A biomedical scientist at Northumbria University in Newcastle Upon Tyne ( love that name)  says her research has proven that anti bacterial wipes only eradicate bacteria from kitchen surfaces for 20 minutes. Then they come back. She says bar soap works better. Back in early 50's there was a product called Nuclear Foam-O. It worked great killing bacteria. In fact it worked too great. It was subsequently banned. Where it was used 60+ years ago, bacteria still hasn't come back and not much of anything else, either.

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Justice RBG Worries that Supremes Becoming Political. Say What?


#1. Robert Mueller's Russia investigation has indicted two more Russians. This time the indictments included their names. They are Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale.

#2. There is a decline in the frog population which began in the late 80's. "Frog Folks" are not sure what is causing this, although just to be safe, some blame "Climate Change."  I don't know much about frogs although when I was a kid it was said handling them could cause warts. There are several ideas on how to improve the frog population. Banning the eating of frog’s legs seemed one of the more logical.

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Jennifer Aniston Says ‘No’ to Duluth

#1. There is a report regarding LA Air Quality. Research has  determined that half of the petroleum chemicals that make up smog come from soap, paint, hair spray and deodorants. So, not all atmospheric pollutants come out of tailpipes. If you are committed to reducing Volatile Organic Compounds but can't do without your car then your choice is to stop using soap and deodorant. If others complain you're getting a bit "RIPE" you may have to drop out of the car pool.

#2.  Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have split after 2 1/2 years of marriage. The reason for them parting is the old standby irreconcilable differences which, in this case, is  location, location, location. It seems she wants to live in LA and he wants to live in NYC. Counseling recommendations that they compromise and move to Duluth were quickly rejected.

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Yes, But Kim Jong-un Doesn’t Need a Comb-over!

#1.  The media "fawn-a-thon" over Kim Jong-un's adorable little sister, Kim Yo-jung, has finally reached nuclear proportions. Anonymous sources report that NBC has offered her a TV series. When asked if she spoke English, they said who cares. If she doesn't they will just use sub titles. It will be produced in North Korea so she can continue to meet the demands of her position as North Korea's Minister of Propaganda and Agitation. Her brother and his hair cut might even make a guest appearance.

#2.  It's possible that a medical procedure to determine biological evidence for being in "true love" could be available by 2028. It works by detecting potent love chemicals in the brain using an MRI type scanner. If this works it could mean lasting relationships. A spokesperson for the American Association of Divorce Lawyers, says, referencing an old legal term, "we're going to nip this in the bud" by arguing this procedure will be unconstitutional.

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Judge Judy in Charge and How to Stop the Wall

#1. The "Newseum" swamped with debt is in talks to sell their very costly building in Washington D.C. In 2016 it operated at a substantial loss.

Some are blaming President Trump's "Fake News" charges. However, The Newseum has lost money since 2008 so that lets Trump off the hook. And, as Uncle Walter Cronkite used say. "That's The Way It Is"

Actually that was the second version of his closing. The original was "And That's The Way It Is, Cause I Say It Is" CBS pointed out that was a bit over the top and unseemly. Not liking it, Walter eventually caved.

#2. Judge Judy was recently quoted saying "I think women who watch me like to see a woman in control." A number of men, when asked about Judge Judy were quoted as saying, "She reminds me of my first wife."

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‘Flipping Off’ and the First Amendment



#1. A Staten Island school has canceled the  Father-Daughter dance that was scheduled in February. The reason is that ‘Father-Daughter’ excludes all the other many genders.
So to include everyone and not to offend anyone the dance is now called "The Whatever You Are-Whatever You Might Think You Are Dance" (Not fake story.)

#2. At a recent town hall meeting Canadian PMJustin Tredeau interrupted a woman who said "mankind" telling her to say "peoplekind" which is more inclusive. Actually Justin had been considering adding to his PC Bona Fides by using "peoplekind" or "personkind." when the opportunity came up.

He took a poll to decide which would make him sound less like a Politically Correct Idiot. It appears "peoplekind" polled better but it didn't help.

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N Korean Athlete Denies Defection Plan … Not Fond of the Old Dotard


#1.  A member of the staff accompanying (minding) the Athletes from North Korea at the Olympics in South Korea was asked if he feared some of their athletes might defect. He replied, "C'mon, with the success we are having with Rocket Man, why would I want to side with the ‘Old Dotard’?”

#2. In Washington State the house is set to vote on a bill that would reduce the complicated calorie counts restaurants are forced to include on their menus. The new simple calorie count menu just says "few" or "many" or “death guaranteed in 30 seconds or less.”

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Prince Harry Wedding: No Invite for the Trumpster

#1. President Trump has not received an invitation to Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding. Meghan, a critic of Trump, backed Hillary and said she would leave the country if Trump was elected. It appears she is the only actress who said she would leave and did, leaving for England nabbing prince Harry. So, future princess, Trump's election sure is workin' for you.

#2.  Last weekend there was a massive brawl in a New Jersey Denny's with eggs, chairs and dishes flying. Sources say the whole melee started when a diner, with major anger issues, jumped up, throwing his plate and yelling, "I ordered eggs over easy. Are these eggs over easy? I think NOT!!!" Others with botched orders or, more likely just for fun, joined in.

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Fake News Vol V

This Just In: Movement to Ban Assault Burritos 

#1. A Taco Bell employee, in Alabama, is in trouble for throwing a "Hot Burrito" at his boss. It hit her, too. There are already moves afoot, if not to impose an outright ban, at the very least, to severely regulate Assault Burritos.

#2.  Mohammed is becoming a popular name. In Austria it's #3, it's moving up in Germany and it is the most popular name in Israel. No data on how Mohammed is doing in the US but it's likely to have already passed LaMar.

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FAKE NEWS (Breaking) for January 26, 2018

#1. The Oscar nominations have been announced. The Academy Awards show will be on March 4th. The producers of the show have asked participants to back off the Trump Bashing this year. The response, so far, has been "Hey, that's all we got."

#2. The women's "We're Enraged Parades" this year featured fewer pink pussy hats. Sources claim they "exclude and are offensive." The Feline Fanciers of Westwood claim cats found them offensive, too and wanted to avoid animal rights complaints.

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CityWatch Top 5 Fake News Stories - Vol. 2

#1. The American Optometrists Society has sent a formal letter to Senator Chuck Schumer requesting he stop wearing his glasses down on his nose and looking out over the top of them. They claim it is improper and looks really "dorky."

#2. The TSA  stopped a cable crew trying to sneak a fake bomb onto a plane. While congratulations are due to the Newark TSA for spotting the fake bomb, they did suffer a slight set back when they missed the tank.

#3. Some tribal leaders want Senator Elizabeth Warren to apologize to Native Americans for claiming heritage without solid evidence. Warren said that rather than apologize “I'll just claim to be part Eskimo.”

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CityWatch Top 5 Fake News Stories


CityWatch Top 5 Fake News Stories

#1. A Federal Judge has just ruled that the U.S. Constitution is UNconstitutional.

#2. A recent article suggested that driverless Teslas might be used by terrorists. An Imam declared, “This will go a long way toward
 replenishing the supply of virgins.”

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