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AN UNHAPPENING - The Chief of Staff, the Vice-President, the Press Secretary and the First Lady were seated on the couch. Their collective mood was sour. The signs of sleep deprivation were unmistakable. The Chief spoke first.
“Alright, then. How do we handle this? Ma’am, can you tell us anything about his mood?”
“He’s pissed,” said the First Lady. “He was up all night, pacing, cursing, posting, cursing some more. When the steward came in with his breakfast, he took one bite and threw the rest across the room.”
“The egg McMuffin? The diet cola?”
“All of it, even the tater tots. The steward and two assistants were on their hands and knees cleaning up the floor, the walls. It was all over the room.”
“Not a good sign,” said the Secretary.
“No kidding,” said the First Lady. “Last time he did that was January 6.”
“It’s no wonder,” said the V.P. “We got pounded. Jersey, Virginia, Georgia, Pennsylvania. Hell, we even lost in Mississippi. And that commie won in New York. Nobody we endorsed won.”
“Including Cuomo and he’s a Damn democrat,” said the Secretary.
“Yeah, yeah,” said the Chief. “We know all that. The question is –”
The Press Secretary interrupted. “How do we spin it?”
“Exactly. Thoughts?”
“Let’s blame the filibuster,” said the V.P.
The Chief frowned.
“What? How does that work?”
“Simple. If the Senate had killed the filibuster, we could have passed the budget. No shut down,
no losses. It’s the Senate’s fault.”
“Not bad,” said the Chief. “Blaming somebody else could work and he has been ranting about the Senate rules for a long time.”
“How about this?” said the Secretary. “We didn’t do well because POTUS wasn’t on the ballot. If he’d been on the ticket, our people would have turned out for him.”
“Stroke his ego,” said the First Lady. “That’s always a good idea. He loves saying he’s the only one who can solve everything.”
“Okay,” said the Chief. “Anything else?”
The V.P. raised his hand.
“The elections were rigged?”
“Absolutely!” said the Secretary. “He’s real comfortable with that one. Do we have any proof that happened? Any data we can trot out?”
“Of course not,” said the Chief. “Never have, never will. Still, it’s got legs. Let’s use it.”
The Press Secretary checked her notes.
“So, filibuster and the Democrat shut down, no Trump on the ballot, rigged election. I’ll brief him when he gets here.”
“One more thing,” said the Chief. “We need to shift the narrative, get the press to focus on something else.”
“Venezuela,” said the V.P. “He likes that one, bombs and bodies, military stuff.”
“Perfect,” said the Chief. “Use it.”
Half an hour later, the Press Secretary stepped aside when the President marched into the press room.
“Good morning,” said the President. “I just wanted to drop in to let you all know that I have ordered our great Air Force to launch a surgical attack on Venice. In addition to pouring narcotics into our beautiful cities and towns, we have evidence that Venice, or maybe it’s the Vatican – I know it’s one of those V countries – tampered with ballot boxes in hundreds of polling places everywhere. In response, I’ll be issuing an Executive Order later today imposing tariffs of at least fifteen hundred percent on Vietnam.”
(David M. Hamlin is a regular contributor to CitywatchLA. His most recent mystery, Murder in Tolland, is available at numerous digital stores or on his website, www.dmhwrites.com.)
