THE GELFAND COLUMN-Decombine. What's that you say? It's just the latest invented word American business has developed to confuse the customer. In this case it's AT&T that's the culprit. If you've recently changed any aspect of your service, you'd better watch out.
In my case, it involved switching from the truly inadequate service that passes for DSL internet down here at land's end, aka the south end of San Pedro. Apparently we are 12,000 feet from the main office, which is right at the edge of acceptability for DSL, a by-now outmoded kind of internet service. AT&T has been flogging its upgrade, called U-Verse. OK, so I bit on the hook.
So here's the first reason that I hate the phone company. You start by dialing the operator, but you'll find that the company has put impediments in your way. You can't just talk to an operator any more. You first have to listen to recordings and warnings.
Then comes the part where the really hateful, disgusting, irritating experience begins. It's that satanic anti-miracle of modern life, the electronic voice messaging system. For some reason, AT&T decided to make the voice as patronizing and superior sounding as possible. Then they programmed in some time wasting. The electronic voice actually invites me to wait while it looks something up. It could be worse. They used to program in some strange paddling noise to run at this point.
If you are patient enough, eventually the electronic Mr. Superior comes back on and invites you to explain what you wish to accomplish. It even offers you examples, such as "pay my bill." But for some reason, there is no choice for "I'd like to talk to a real live human being to solve the miserable problem AT&T has created for me, and for which there is no choice given by your expletive deleted electronic voice system." That one they left out.
I've begun to understand the reason.
Anyways, I go through a hierarchical logic tree and eventually get to the end without hearing a choice for "other," so I push zero a few times. Miracle of miracles, the system appears to understand what that means, even though it doesn't actually communicate it as a choice. Dunno, maybe somewhere it did offer that choice, but who could remember? After all, the system is full of options like "If you are calling about regulated local exchange telephone service, press 1." I suppose that some AT&T corporate lawyer understands what regulated local exchange means. Can't say that I do. I can spit out terms like glucose 6-phosphate dehydrogenase with the best of them, but I don't pretend to understand ATTese. Apparently the phone company expects you to be a law school graduate with postgraduate training in communications law. If you show any sign of weakness in this regard, their representatives will rag on you about it.
Anyway, I was calling about the fact that the price I had agreed upon when I did the U-verse upgrade had mysteriously increased by about 40 percent when the bill came. Actually, I should say "when the bills came," because all of a sudden I have been getting multiple billings each month. I thought it was one of their many goofs.
That's when I learned that new word decombine. It does not actually refer to genetic engineering, which brought us the term recombine (as in Recombinant DNA). No, it turns out that the geniuses in the AT&T corporate office decided that they would split up the billing functions for cellular and internet. The opposite of combine is what? I would think perhaps a word like separate. Maybe sever. Good solid English words that you can find in the dictionary.
Decombine is sort of like using the word dehead for the act of medieval execution. Behead wouldn't be a good enough word for the phone company.
Of course they didn't tell me this was going to happen. Apparently it's supposed to be understood. Then when you call the cell phone side of AT&T (which they call "mobility" -- I'm not making this up), the representative explains that "when you changed to U-verse, your mobility charges were decombined from your internet and landline charges." My apologies to Dave Barry for borrowing that phrase "I'm not making this up," but what else can you say?
So I've been getting bills that seem to be sixty or seventy dollars more than I had any expectation of paying, and when I paid them, the mobility side of AT&T texted me, telling me I owed them another hundred and two dollars.
You might be able to guess the rest, except for the Hollywood ending. I argued and complained, and they gave me to a supervisor who was just as superior sounding as that electronic voice, and that's where I learned the new word decombined. Understand that none of it made sense, because if the bills were supposed to be decombined, aka separated, then why was the internet bill as high as the previously combined bill? From the mobility maven there was no answer.
Now for the Hollywood ending, which I owe to you, the wonderful, loyal readers of CityWatch.
I called the operator number and asked for the number to the corporate headquarters. You might guess that they refused to give it to me, and you would be right. It's interesting how corporations that talk a good game about wanting to serve and satisfy their customers actually deal with a customer who has a complaint. They make it as difficult as possible to allow that customer to deliver that complaint to anybody who has the power to do anything about it. But you can find that corporate number using Google, or you can have it from me. It's 210-821-4105. Apparently when it comes to investor relations, the phone company will talk to you.
But if you call the corporate headquarters and ask to talk to the public relations people or the CEO, you can, one time out of three, actually talk to a live human being with a pulse. OK, so the first two times I got sent back to that superior sounding electronic voice. But on the third time, somebody took pity and invited me to wait on hold to get another supervisor.
AT&T calls this the escalation process. Apparently they have one, but they try to keep it a secret from you, the customer. If you have a problem that you really want solved, I suggest that you get them to put you into the escalation process. They were not willing to explain to me how you actually get them to do this, but I think I have a clue.
Here it is: The first time I did the go-around with the low level supervisor, I was told that I had the right to invoke arbitration on my disputed amount. She even told me how to find the web page. If you go to that web page, you will find that AT&T will usually pay the arbitration fee of $175 unless your complaint is frivolous. Even then, they pay up front and then wait for the arbitrator to deem your complaint as being frivolous. Or you can go to small claims court. All of these processes cost them staff time and they might even lose, so if they think you are really, really, really serious, they will offer to settle. At least they will take the time to listen.
They don't want to get rolled by every con man and grifter out there, so they erect these administrative barriers. But if you are willing to waste your time on the phone and let the supervisor know that you are going to sue them, write an article about them, tell your friends on Yelp that they should use another company, and otherwise make a royal pain of yourself, you might get their attention.
Apparently I did, because I got a call from a nice person who claimed to be calling from the president's office. Actually, I got calls from three different people. What they told me by way of explanation of my problem is too complicated and arcane to go into, but I will toss out one tidbit just because it's kind of amusing.
When I went through the U-verse signup, I was told that I would receive a $100 gift card. I have now learned that this is their way of returning their overcharge on the U-verse modem. They charge you for it, and then if you stay signed up a month, they send you the $100 to allow you to recover the money.
Except for one thing. They don't send you the card or a check, and they don't just deduct the $100 from your bill. Read the following part carefully: Apparently they send you an email inviting you to click on a link which takes you to a web site, and from there you can get your money.
Does this sound just like all the other scams and phishing emails that we get three times a day from Nigerian widows and British bankers? Doesn't this sound like the kind of email that internet security experts tell us never to click on? That's what I told the nice person from the president's office. I asked him why they didn't just credit our billing accounts. He was nice enough to reflect on my words and agree that this does kind of make sense.
So let's see if AT&T changes its billing policy based on yours truly. I'm guessing that the answer is no, but stranger things have happened.
As I said, there's a lot more to this story, and most of it is deadly boring so I'll spare you.
But there are a couple of take home lessons which we can share. The first is that the corporate system has turned us all into clerks. We customers now do the work that paid employees used to do for us. All I can say is that it's a good thing that hospitals haven't followed this idea yet. To be honest, I'm not very good at putting an I.V. line into my own arm, and I don't think I would be able to do a central line, whatever that is. They talked about putting in central lines on the TV show E.R, so I suppose it's difficult and important, and I hope the hospitals don't push cost savings that far.
The other take home lesson is that the phone company really doesn't want to help you, but if you can push the system hard enough, somebody at that rarified level may call you back and fix your problem. And here's the ugly part about this. I strongly suspect that the reason I got help is that I told them about this article you are now reading. It took them quite a bit of effort to explain to me that the plain meaning of what had happened to me was not the illegal acts that I was inferring based on my experience. I pointed out to them that when their sales department quotes me a monthly price and then the price goes way up, I'm entitled to ask why.
And when the person on the other end of the phone tries to justify that higher price -- the price that I never agreed to -- then I have a right to think that they have been engaging in unethical practices. It's only the fact that some higher up figured out about the non-existent gift card and immediately offered to credit my account with the money that things became a little clearer.
I think that the gift card gimmick is improper, because it's set up to induce lots of customers to miss taking advantage of the savings. It may not be illegal, but it sure is misleading.
And that's the other take home lesson. The system as it currently exists is rigged to trip you up. If you are the careful sort of person who doesn't click on links in what seem like phony emails, then you are going to miss out on that $100 rebate. I should point out that in any one day, I may get as many as half a dozen scam emails that pretend to be from the phone company or its email provider. To the best of my experience, the vast majority of them are fraudulent, so why would I ever click on a link in an email that just happens to be a real one?
I have to give them some credit, though. The installer who came to my home to put in the U-verse equipment was efficient and on time. I'll grant them that. And at the president's level, the people you talk to are patient and know enough not to be patronizing jerks.
When I finished with the fellow from the president's group, he gave me his direct telephone number. I told him that I want a number to publish here on CityWatch that anybody could use. That he was unable to do.
(Bob Gelfand writes on culture and politics for CityWatch. He can be reached at [email protected], which is supplied by AT&T.)
-cw
CityWatch
Vol 11 Issue 91
Pub: Nov 12, 2013