- Written by Alex Thompson
06 Dec 2011
OCCUPY LA FIRST PERSON - Homeowners: is your “down on his luck” neighbor bringing you down? Are your neighbor’s peeling paint, unmowed lawn, and dinged up Toyota weighing on your home values? We have good news!
A recently passed ordinance makes it illegal to experience economic distress between the hours of 10:30 pm and 5:00 am. Violators will be evicted!
Let Mayor Tony and Chief Charlie’s T.L.C. Eviction Services be of service to you! We’ll boot that a**hole from that sh**hole with military force!
Family of 5? No problem, Chief Charlie will bring 20 heavily armed cops to your neighbor’s doorstep! For an extra 10%, Mayor Tony will call it LAPD’s finest moment ... on TV!
Uncouth hippy son Occupying an unsightly tree-house out front? No problem, we’ll hit him in the face with a bean bag ... HARD!
Stinky neighbors? T.L.C. will dress up in hazmat suits, declare it an outbreak of first amendment rights, and evict them into outer space!
79 year old grandmother? T.L.C.’s patented Gangrene Cuffs fit old wrists as well as young!
Unlike second-rate evictors Bloomberg & Co., T.L.C. Eviction Services uses a team of duplicitous experts to evict your unsightly neighbors “softly”. T.L.C. will send employees of the month Bill and Eric to “make friends” with your neighbor.
Bill and Eric use top notch friend making technology like bringing muffins to your troublesome neighbors, taking pictures with them and posting them on Facebook, and telling your impoverished neighbors they support them.
They will even get other homeowners to join a resolution celebrating your neighbor’s unkempt lawn as the new, super awesome “City Hall Park”. Eric and Bill are excellent at making friends!
Before the eviction, Chief Charlie will Occupy your basement. There he will build a 1/4 scale LEGO®©™ model of the neighbor’s property and plan the eviction raid with GI Joe figurines and stuffed animals.
Mayor Tony will convince other homeowners that your harmless seeming neighbors are, in-fact, the lowest human scum on earth. They are lice ridden, disgusting satan-spawn who will eat your babies and stink up your funeral. Pretty soon the whole neighborhood will be chipping in to support the eviction!
Just in case, we bring rubber bullets, tear gas, a boa constrictor, seven helicopters, a tank, an aircraft carrier, a submarine and a dirty bomb to every eviction. We never use them, but we find it’s a good idea to convince everyone that we’ll crack their skull like an egg if they get in the way of a good, clean, profitable eviction.
Finally, if you call this number - 1-800-DIE-HIPPIESCUM - and order your eviction in the next 8 minutes, we’ll install a hideous eight foot chain-link fence around the offending home, for no additional charge! It won’t pretty up the place, but it’s a good reminder to other families what you’ll do if they ever step out of line.
Because, Mayor Tony, it was never really about the unsightly conditions at Occupy LA, was it? It was just that, when you asked them to leave, they told you “No.”
(Any resemblance between the above characters and City of LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, Chief of Police Charlie Beck, Councilman Bill Rosendahl, and LA City Council President Eric Garcetti is NOT coincidental.)
Tags: Occupy LA, Occupy LA eviction, City Hall, Charlie Beck, LAPD, Mayor Villaraigosa
Vol 9 Issue 97
Pub: Dec 6, 2011