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 [ SAY WHAT? ](https://www.citywatchla.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&id=376)

#  Hold the Cheese Please

July 02 2018

Written by Tom (Broken News) Murphy.

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![](https://www.citywatchla.com/images/stories/July-2018/053j.png)1) America's stockpile of cheese is at its highest in more than 100 years.The USDA reports that America has 1.385 billion lbs. of cheese.The reason is cows are producing too much milk. Milk is easier stored as cheese. In 1981 we had an excess of cheese and President Reagan ordered it given to the poor. He was derided for that except by the poor who received the cheese. They did no deriding. There is probably no way to get cows to reduce their milk production. They are notoriously stubborn and a bit slow.

 2) The center for research and take-out has learned some interesting things about shop lifting. 1 in 11 people do it and it's more common among well- educated and financially stable people. Grocery stores experience much of the shop lifting. People shop lift everything from spices, candy, cosmetics, alcohol and even sea food. How does a shoplifter get a lobster down his pants? Clerk: "Sir, is that a lobster claw sticking out of your pants?" Shoplifter: "I don't know how that lobster got in my pants."

3\) Here's another study. There sure are a glut of "studies" aren't there? Must be good money in doing them. The latest one found that non-drinkers miss more work that those that "hit" the sauce. One of the reasons non-drinkers miss more work is that some diseases forbid use of alcohol. So, non-drinkers missing more work is really a technicality.

4\) You should enroll your child in piano lessons according to, you guessed it, another study. According to this "gem" piano lessons help children improve language skills. As their ears become trained to distinguish between different pitches and tones at the piano, they seem to get better at parsing subtle differences between spoken words. This helps them with parsing the not so subtle the spoken words on how much they hate the piano lessons and practicing.

5\) E. Schuyler Nerldorf has a few thoughts on "stories."Never start a story by saying. "Here's a funny story." That sets you up for a funny story failure. There is a good chance the listener won't find it funny. Never tell a story that ends with, "I guess you had to be there." Nobody EVER actually makes a L-O-N-G story short. Sometimes there aren't two sides to a story.

*(Tom Murphy is a writer, humorist, actor, disc jockey and an occasional contributor to CityWatch. He lives in Los Angeles.)*

-cw

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