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Eh, hem. . .Obama and Trump Speeches Reimagined

ELECTORAL SATIRE- Mr. Obama's Speech: Eh, hem. . .Ladies and gentlemen, we are at a crossroads in this country. Do we want a divider or a uniter?

Do we want more unity. . .or more diversity? We can't have both. We are at a crossroads. Trump's administration owns the following: systemic and institutional racism, rampant sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, Islamophobia, and claustrophobia, and all the other phobias we have not yet created. 

Now, granted, race and police/community relations did not get much better under my administration, but truly, things are getting much, much worse under this so-called president. Let us not forget that becoming the first president of color is quite an accomplishment in itself; it should never be forgotten. Right now, in 2020, we have people of color dying every day; we have kids in cages (and most of them are not even given cell phones to use), we have rising pollution, the coronavirus pandemic, and an economy doing very poorly; remember that he inherited a wonderful growing economy from my administration. Some say that the Obama Administration deported more undocumented than any other president. This is true. I will not lie. Now, let’s move on. 

Trump's tweets are divisive. He supports force over negotiation and has failed to calm the unrest in our major cities. He sends in the National Guard to "maintain order,” as he calls it. He cares about people's safety, he says. Yet he does not care why. . .why looters are looting, why courthouses are being burned, and why hundreds of police are being injured by woke warriors. 

On the surface, this all looks violent, but to understand the reasons WHY they do these things. . .is the mark of a leader. Their rage is for a reason. It is a reaction to injustice. I support this kind of reaction to injustice, as long as our message is heard, and change can be made. This can be an effective tool, if done for the right reasons. Carl Marx also shares this view, and his book is worth reading.  

Hear us now, I say. . .or no peace. Our voice matters. Hear us when we discuss reparations. Hear us when we say, "silence is violence." In fact, I'm not even sure what that means, but woke millennials repeat that often, so it MUST be important. By the way, our young people are needed in our democracy, and I say to you tonight, inside my compound with a newly built 10-foot brick wall. . .our children should be able to vote too. May the voting age be 10 years old; after all, they are our future. 

Hear us when we say we need open borders. Hear us when we say the undocumented should be able to vote. Are they worth any less as people than me or you? In fact, our undocumented are often more "American," than Americans. Hear us when we say NO MORE POLLUTION, hear us when we say defund, or yes, abolish the police. By the way, look at the word "police." We see the word "ICE" in there. Friends, that is no coincidence! 

Hear us when we yearn for someone who will be as eloquent as the former president. Hear us when we say we have the right to identify as anything we want, regardless of sex, gender, race, age, or creed. Hear our pronouns! Hear the ever-increasing letters in LGBTQIA2s+? Let us add more. Hear us when we say we must not remove outdated names on voter rolls. Hear us when we say NO to the anthem. Indeed, it is almost a new kind of patriotism. . .not to stand for the flag. We don't need the flag; the flag needs us! Also, remember. . .the word RIOT is in "patriot."  

My friends, Joe Biden hears you. He does, and I do. He hears all these requests and wishes. And although he and Kamala did make and/or support legislation that jailed thousands of POC for marijuana offenses, he and she have pledged to be there 100% for people of color moving forward. Afterall, Kamala is truly, multi-colored. So, let us welcome Joe Biden as our next president! 

Mr. Trump's speech: Eh hem. . .Greetings, my Americans. Greetings patriots. All great patriotic people, we are now at a crossroads. Where are we going from here? Will we make America great again. . .again? Or will we elect Sleepy Sloppy Joe? Maybe it's not nice to call people names like that, but heck, they call me names, and I'm the President right now, so, frankly, to be honest, I don't care. 

And, for those who call me an ego-manic, and that it's "all about me". . .well, I am the president. I have the right to pat myself on the back. . .as well as on the front, and sides, quite frankly. The media also treats me very badly, like no president has ever been treated before.  

But look, this country has gone a long way under my leadership. The economy skyrocketed BIGLY, and all of you know it. Unemployment went to an all-time low for people of color and others. The country's economy has grown like we've never seen before. You know it. I know it. And, if you don't believe that everybody. . .even the homeless were doing very well, then you are mistaken, and you are most likely a CNN watcher. 

Although I can't prove it, I'm sure that I got more of the homeless vote than any other president. I also met with Kim Jung Un. By the way, that name still sounds really funny to me. All those Asian names sound weird, frankly. Anyway, we talked, and it was memorable, but nothing much happened after that. But Guam is still there because I threatened him BIGLY that I would blow him and his country up, so he declined. This is the Trump Doctrine. Use it.  

Also, we are building the wall; it will rival the Great Wall of China, built in the 1800s. We have to secure our borders. Every civilized country secures their borders. This really is common sense. Even Jerusalem, back in BC, has a protection wall. God. . .likes walls. I'm even having alligators installed in the river there to eat any illegal crossers, if they try crossing. We have no choice. Now, Mexico did not pay for it, but they might...after I'm elected. I still stand by my view that there are rapists and murderers in Mexico, but there are many good people there too, and they are more than welcome to visit this country. By the way, apparently the Southwest part of our country used to be part of Mexico.  

In fact, there is a state called New Mexico. That is interesting that they would call it New Mexico, because it's no longer Mexico, so it really would be better calling it Old Mexico. That may be my next executive order. I digress. Also, I signed the Second Chance Prison Reform Bill which helped people of color BIGLY, and they know it, you know it, and the fake news knows it. And then there is corona, and I do not mean the beer. This "Kung Fu Flu" must and will stop; in fact, death rates are dropping very nicely, and that is a fact. China is to blame, also. Not the Chinese people, but the government.  By the way, their names sound funny too, like Koreans. I can't lie. And don't listen to CNN. It really is fake news and lies. 

I've been asked about Fox, and my position is that I really have no position on it. Now, I like Blacks and they matter and so do police. I think all of you matter -- queers, Egyptians, Africans, Hungarians, women, transphobes, and white people. Damn straight, if I may say. White people make up a big number of our citizens, like 70%, so we have to look out for them 70% more of the time than others. It seems simple math to me. Also, we get to keep our guns. I will never deviate from the 2nd Amendment, or any Amendment, all 35, and even the ones I wish to create when reelected. I think children should learn guns, maybe even toddlers, if they are mentally able. Some people call me "Orange" because of my skin and hair. Well, orange is a color too, and so I kind of am a person of color. Just some things to think about. You don't become a president if you can't think out of the box.  

So, please think about all this, then vote for your best candidate for president. Besides, I'm also better looking than Creepy Joe, and that is a fact.  But seriously, God bless us. God bless our guns. And God bless Ol’ Glory. By the way, "us" is in "USA." Lastly, I support women, the beautiful and the no-so-much. And this is the 100th year anniversary of Women's Suffrage. And believe me when I tell you, I feel very bad about women suffering like that. My friends, God bless our economy also, and heck, even the Mexicans, our non-white neighbors. May our country find healing and peace. Thank you again and don't forget to vote!

 

(Kevin Suscavage worked as staff with the CA Assembly, originated the "Butterfly Bill," and has pieces found in CityWatch, North Valley Reporter, CA Political Review, and the Jewish Journal. He's written about socio-political issues on both sides of the aisle.) Edited for CityWatch by Linda Abrams.